Why the hijab? Why now?

Bismillah.


Everyone always asks me "Why the hijab? Why now?" and it's always the most difficult question for me to answer. It's difficult because I feel like they're all expecting some pivotal moment that changed my life...but I had a few of those...in my heart. And it's hard to put these 'events' into words because they are so significant (and obviously life-altering) from my point of view, but when I try to explain them they make no sense. A few seemingly small events changed me in a big way. 

Still, people are often skeptical about my 'transformation'. And I get that, because outwardly it may seem like these transformations happened overnight, when in reality I feel like it was much more gradual. It's hard for people to understand this because from the outside looking in I went from tube tops and shorts to being covered from head to toe (literally) in a matter of weeks. But what fails to be obvious are the little changes that I've been making. And I don't feel the need nor the desire to justify my actions, nor convince people of them. 

As for why I actually decided to put on the hijab....

First of all, I've always believed in Islam, but I never took it upon myself to discover much more than what I already learned from my parents. Looking back, I can honestly say that I didn't pursue more knowledge because I wanted to stay 'blissfully ignorant'. Any time my parents would try 'advise' or 'guide' me, I would tune it out. I didn't want to know the consequences of my actions because

1. I didn't want to feel bad

2. If I felt bad I might change

3. I didn't want to change

4. I wanted to 'enjoy' my life now and worry about 'changing' later

......and then one day I read a quote

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the [Qur'an/Bible/Torah/etc.] a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals."

.....and then it "dawned on me" I was feeding that statement. This was exactly what I was doing! I was procrastinating in LIFE. But who's to say I'm even going to live another day. There's no guarantee that I'm even going to live long enough to "worry about changing later". So I realized I needed to make some sort of change NOW. I was sick being ignorant, and I wanted to ACTUALLY enjoy my life.


For the first time I feel like I have a purpose, and I have a real plan to follow. My heart actually feels full. It's hard to explain...but I guess it's just one of those things you have to go through yourself to really understand it. 


Subhanallah, looking back at the way I used to live (just a few months ago), I actually pity myself. If I try to compare my level of happiness before versus today, it's hard to understand how I thought I was happy. People are often hurt when I say that. I'm not saying I regret the people I have met, just some of the things that I did. If anything, ALL of my friends helped shape the person I am today, alhamdulilah (all praise is to God). 
I just really want to make something clear: I don't miss ANY of the things I used to do--only some of the people I did them with.


I'm pretty sure I still haven't answered the question "Why the hijab, why now?" but I think that's because it was 21 years in the making.


Sincerely,


A Muslimah 

30 Days through Muslim America

This is so beautiful Masha'Allah!!!!


30 Days through Muslim America, a photo essay: http://www.boingboing.net/2010/09/24/30days.html

Young, Muslim, Female...and Not a Stereotype

My friend Atifa just shared this article with me :
Young, Muslim, Female...and Not a Stereotype

This young lady stood up for her deen. Truly inspiring. We could all learn a thing or two from her.

SeekersGuidance - Is Wearing a Jilbab Obligatory? - Answers

SeekersGuidance - Is Wearing a Jilbab Obligatory? - Answers

Short and Simple. Alhamdulilah this shed some light on my own questions about wearing a abaya versus other garments.

Boonaa Mohammed - Signs

"What can my enemies do to me? My Paradise is in my heart; it goes with me wherever I am. If they kill me, it is my martyrdom. If they exile me from my land, it is a vacation in the path of Allah. If they imprison me, it is to allow me a private devotion with Allah"

- Ibn Taymiyyah

Thanks for sharing Asma <3 

And when it hurts, well, it hurts.

I'm sitting here in bed, upset that I'm not asleep because I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow....fantastic. But that's not the only thing I'm upset about, hurt would be more appropriate.


Subhanallah. Sometimes you can [try to] prepare yourself for a bad situation. For instance, you know that after Sunday comes Monday inshallah. I've had 21 years worth of Mondays--but for some reason I still hate those mornings. I never sleep enough on Sunday night, I am cranky, and I always wish we could rewind the last 48 hours. But logically speaking, shouldn't I be used to that by now?


Now I'm in a similar situation. The day my friend leaves for Saudi Arabia is here. I've had a few weeks to 'prepare' myself. I thought I was doing great...until right now. I'm a total wreck. I have a heavy feeling in my chest. It won't go away. My sighs are frequent. Praying helps, alhamdulilah. And I know that everything happens for a reason--I don't know all of His reasons but I know they're there. La hawla wala quwwata ila bi Allah [there is no power or strength except through Allâh SWT].


Unfortunately right now this situation still sucks. And inshallah this will all get easier, and with His help I will get through this (probably even quicker than I thought). A few weeks/months from now this situation may even seem silly. But right now, at this very moment, it still hurts.


And when it hurts, it will be okay IA.


Sincerely,


A Muslimah

Only God Can Judge Me.

I've been meaning to write an update for a few days now...but I wasn't really sure how to put my thoughts on paper. I still don't, but here's my attempt.

The beautiful and blessed month of Ramadan is sadly over. Eid has passed. And school is finally sinking in (and so are people's comments). Lately, I have been overhearing a lot of chatter. Some people think putting on a hijab was too big of a jump, some think I have gone a little extreme, some think I'm not doing a good enough job. Subhanallah. I honestly thought I was taking a step towards Allah SWT to get closer to Him, to please Him insha'Allah, nobody else. 

Of course this 'chatter' has opened my eyes to my own actions. Sometimes I find myself judging others silently in my heart. Astaghfurullah. Sometimes I make these silent claims to make myself feel better about myself. "At least I'm not that bad..." Astaghfurullah. I try not to let myself slip into these thoughts, but it happens. I am so ashamed. Why do I feel the need to compare myself to others anyways? The simple answer is I don't. None of us do.


My friend Mafaz once told me that a truly good Muslim sincerely believes in their heart that everyone else is a better Muslim than they are. Masha'Allah. One day I want to be THAT kind of Muslim insha'Allah. Another friend of mine, Shoaib, told me about a halaqa a Shaykh gave during the end of Ramadan on prayers. The Shaykh was talking about how people are often very quick to correct others' prayers. But in the time of the Rasoul SAW, people were too worried about their own prayers to have any time to look and observe someone else's. Masha'Allah.


I wish we could all be too worried about bettering ourselves than have any time to judge someone else.




Sincerely,


A Muslimah

Listen to the clues

Subhanallah. 


I was listening to Ustadh Yahya Rhodus: Disciplining the Soul, Session 2 and his words really hit home with me. He said that if Allah SWT loves someone, anytime that person relies on something other than God, He will break that for them. This reliance could be on wealth, people, etc. and Allah SWT takes that away from them because He wants us to rely only on Him. And by   taking that 'thing' away He is 
              1. protecting us from relying on anything wordly
              2. giving us the opportunity to increase our reward
Subhanallah. After my last post, this lecture on Imam Gazali's work could not have come at a better time. It all makes sense now. Astaghfurullah. I was relying too much on this one person and by extension not relying enough on Him. 


Alhamdulilah. Thank You for this clue [the lecture].


Sincerely,
A Muslimah