High and Low

Bismillah.

I've been wanting to write something for a while now...but I've been having some serious trouble finding something to write about. I still don't have anything in mind...so..I'm just going to force myself to spew out something.

I don't feel the most comfortable writing about this, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. I'm at a 'low' point right now. Alhamdulilah I'm enjoying life, and Allah continues to bless me with so much alhamdulilah! But unfortunately I don't feel very close to Him at the moment. I don't know what it is. I just don't feel that same sense of urgency as I did a couple of months ago. And I lay here dumbfounded. I want to do so much for Him, I want to devote so much more time, but I don't. I still fulfill my obligatory duties, but not much more. Astaghfurullah. I feel like I am not progressing. This really confuses me. I can sense my attachment to this dunya and it scares me to death. For instance, I could be laying in bed wasting hours online doing absolutely trivial things, when I could be spending this time productively. Why am I feeling like this? I have no motivation. I think a lot of this has to do with two things: school, and habits. I hate feeling like this.

I'm in my fourth year of Finance, and I guess at this point it's only natural to be sick of it all. I have no desire in opening my books anymore. I don't want to read anything to do with numbers. I'd rather sleep (and lately this is exactly what I've been doing instead). I guess my lack of enjoyment at school blows over into the rest of my life, and all I want to do is have some 'fun'. So I spend hours watching online TV, going on Facebook, twitter, etc. and of course there's always something to do on the web. Then I realize I've accomplished zilch and I haven't even realized how much time has gone by. I get frustrated. I realize how much work I have to do so I tell myself "10 more minutes and then I'll dive into my readings". One hour later, I realize I took a little longer than 10 minutes. And the cycle continues. I realize I could have skipped this whole paragraph and simply said I'm a master procrastinator, but sometimes I need to get it all out to realize the extent of my procrastination. And it's definitely not pretty.

Another major player in my 'low point' is my change of routine this semester. That sentence probably made no sense. Anyways, I don't have the same weekly routine as I did last semester. One of the biggest changes is that I have class during Jummah. At first I didn't think it would make a big difference, I mean I could always listen to khutbas online to get some weekly soul food. But it's not the same. Actually it's extremely different. Subhanallah, there's something about being in that environment every Friday, surrounded by your brothers and sisters, all there for the same reason, immersing themselves in the moment to please Allah SWT and to reflect on the weekly message, to better themselves, to better our community - there's nothing like it. Without this weekly pick-me-up, I realize I need to find a more suitable substitute.

I realize that I'm doing a bad job 'prioritizing' right now...but wallah I'm trying. And I thank God for today, for every day, for giving me the opportunity to fix my mistakes. Alhamdulilah He is giving me this chance, I can't waste it. He SWT loves consistency, and I love what He loves, so I need to stop talking and starting walking.

We must not forget that life can end at any moment, so make every moment worth it. I know we have almost become immune to quotes on life and death, but we need to re-awaken ourselves and focus on the impermanence of this world.

"Live every day like it's your last, because one day' you'll be right."

Sincerely,

A Muslimah